New England trades QB Jimmy Garoppolo to URI football

In a stunning turn of events, the New England Patriots announced on their official Facebook page that they completed a deal to trade quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo to the University of Rhode Island football team. The Patriots received four reserved Fine Arts Lot parking spots, $1,500 in bookstore credit and a student ID complete with a campus premiere meal plan for their young quarterback.

Garoppolo, entering his fourth season in the NFL, was drafted in the second round of the 2014 NFL Draft by the Patriots with the 62 overall pick. The Eastern Illinois product graduated school with a 62.8 completion percentage and a 146.3 QB rating. In his senior year, he etched his name into the Eastern Illinois record-book when he broke the school records for career passing touchdowns, career passing yards and single-season passing touchdowns, all of which were set by current NFL quarterback Tony Romo. That same season, he also won the Offensive Player of the Year award for the Ohio Valley Conference (OVC).

“This is an extraordinarily cost-effective move for the Patriots, but one that comes with little surprise upon a closer look of the trade details,” said NFL insider Adam Schefter on his official Twitter account. “It’s classic Belichick,” he added, in a series of tweets related to the move. “Trade away a high-profile player for some lower value. We can’t underestimate the significance of those parking spaces though.” The additions that the reigning Super Bowl Champions made via the trade will undoubtedly boost some of the team’s weaker areas.

The acquisition of such a notable player could mean that good times are on the way for URI Football. They will be attempting to improve on a dismal 2-9 season, and Garoppolo could be the missing piece to the puzzle. Finishing 1-7 in Colonial Athletic Association (CAA) conference play last year, the URI Rams were left reeling after a devastating 32-31 home loss to Towson, which capped off another difficult season for the Rhody Rams.

“I’m excited to begin working with the team and getting to know the Kingston campus,” Garoppolo said in a whirlwind press conference. He kept his comments concise amid the flurry of questions, and indicated no ill-will was to be held towards his former team. “There is plenty of room left for improvement for this team, but I simply need to come out and do what I do best: play football,” Garoppolo explained.

Garoppolo has until August 31 to prepare for his debut game in a Rhode Island uniform, as the team travels to Central Michigan to contest a highly-anticipated matchup against a difficult opponent. Rhody fans can circle Saturday, Oct. 21, on their calendars, and begin to get excited for the homecoming game against Elon, who Rhody defeated last year 44-14 on the road. Even though Rhody has not been towards the top of the CAA in recent years, conference opponents should now be scared–because it’s Jimmy G time in Kingston.


*This trade was finalized before Garoppolo could officially take the field, as the football team has since been turned into the Quidditch team. The Vape was able to reach the young distraught QB for comment, but he reportedly talked Bill Belichick into letting him become the team’s new equipment manager. Belichick has yet to return the parking spaces acquired in the deal.