SATIRE Sex and the Cigar: How to fake an orgasm

We all have those moments when things are getting passionate, your heart is racing and your excitement is through the roof. You’re ready to be taken into a land of fireworks and euphoria. Then the disappointment sets in. “Have they ever done this before?” you think as you try to enjoy it but just can’t. So next time you think that the sex you’re having might be the worst you’ve ever had, consider following these steps.

 

  1. Recognize you deserve better. So start off by analyzing where they are on a scale of 1-10. If they’re anything below a 5 then you should just get out of there. I get it, you’re on a dry spell, but it just isn’t worth it. A 6+ might come along another night.

 

  1. Moan. The next step is preparation to the art of a fake orgasm. Show that you’re really into it and act like it’s the best sex you have ever had. Moan as loud as you can and even scream a little bit. You want not only your partner, but everyone else to believe this is the best orgasm you’ve ever had. I mean what’s the point of all this effort if only your partner gets to experience it.

 

  1. Enact your bestial instincts. The problem is you can’t just scream and moan because that’s not what you sound like mid moment. You need to tap into your animal side of guttural wailing, snorting and shrieking. Normally you do this unconsciously and you’re too busy to hear yourself. Practicing before the moment is the best way to tap into those unconscious vocal rhythms. My recommendation is looking up videos of grunting apes, gibbons and pigs and practice modeling your voice after theirs. My personal favorite is the grunting gibbon.  

 

  1. It’s almost time for the big show. This next step is to prove to your partner that you’re ready. You can’t just lay there like a limp, lifeless body and expect them to believe it. So instead you must begin to thrash your body violently. Just focus on wailing your limbs around while using your new bestial voices. If you’re a woman you have to go one more step, you have to also thrash your hips around. Act like you’re a mechanical bull and your goal is to knock your partner off.

 

  1. Fake it. This is it, you’ve sent the subtle signals to your partner to let them know it is time. Open your eyes and wide as they possibly can go and make direct eye contact and never look away. Your partner needs to see into your soul to be convinced. Now what you need to do is just immediately lay still while making eye contact and count to 30 in your head. Once you hit thirty, kick your partner off of you and say that it was the best orgasm you’ve ever had.

At this point it is up to you to escape. Some sneak out the bathroom window, others say they left a gift in their car and just drive away. Others need to practice their faking skills and go for round two. However, if you always follow these steps you’ll have no problem convincing your partner that you just had an orgasm.