Aquarius Jan 20th – Feb 19th
Listen, kid. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that test you were studying for? You are going to bomb it. Like 50 percent or below. But, suck it up buttercup your parents are going to deposit $20 into your bank account.
Pisces Feb 19th – March 21st
The stars have spoken and they say you will be alone on your couch with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and “Toto” by Africa blaring on Valentine’s Day. You should probably cancel the reservation for two.
Aries March 21st – April 19th
Tomorrow is your day. That’s what the stars say at least. Whatever you are sweating about is all going to be okay. So go ahead, get lit. Quit worrying and eat a piece of cake.
Taurus April 20th – May 20th
Today is a good day to start a new adventure. Unless it’s raining, in which case you should strap on your boots, grab your umbrella and stay right at home. Floribama Shore is on anyways.
Gemini May 21st – June 21st
You will join a naked gardening club. There will be a nice breeze that day. Garden, have fun and enjoy the weather.
Cancer June 22nd – July 22nd
You will start and fail art school. Boom roasted.
Leo Jul 23nd – Aug 23
The stars say you’re an animal. Like a lion. You can do anything. Just don’t roar in public. That’s weird.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sept 23rd
You’ll wake up to an unusually warm day and maybe even find a quarter on the ground, but don’t be fooled. It’s downhill from here, you’re destined to step in some gum.
Libra Sept 24rd – Oct 23rd
You will see Dan Hurley do a 360-alley-oop off the backboard when no one is looking. He will shrug, whisper to himself, “still got it,” and walk into the corn fields near Plains Parking Lot, only to disappear a la Field of Dreams.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22nd
Ever see Marley and Me? The dog dies at the end. Also, you’ll find a penny on the ground at 1:04 p.m.
Sagittarius Nov 20th – Dec 21st
That embarrassing photo of you at the Christmas party will be made public. You can no longer trust your friend with the secret box.
Capricorn Dec 21st – Jan 20th
You should delete your LinkedIn. That’s what the stars are saying. Something about it is giving a bad vibe. Get rid of it.