Normally once I’m asleep, nothing will wake me up. This includes, but is not limited to, loud music, “turnt” college kids, hurricanes and fireworks. But the people above my room? They are a force unto their own. I didn’t know trampolines were allowed in the dorms. Good thing for high-grade 21st century medical glaucoma treatment or I would never fall asleep.

Quiet hours in a college dorms are a beautiful thing. People can relax, get work done and sleep. If only Quiet-Sex hours were a thing. There have been too many nights when my neighbor has woken me up with month-long-abstinent-trucker sex. It shakes my walls. It rattles my Christmas lights. And it HIGHLY upsets my beta fish, Swim Shady III.

-Speaking of betta fish, don’t over feed them. If you have the tiny orange pellets, feed them two to three pellets twice a day. It doesn’t seem like much but trust me, it is. The pellets expand  in a betta’s stomach. They can also be fed frozen and live worms. Google the types because there are too many to write about here. And don’t forget to change their water. An active betta is a happy betta. If they are sluggish or swimming lopsidedly, cut their diet down for a few days, you should see changes.-

Anyway, back to the potential porn star dilemma. I wasn’t going ask them to be quiet, because I wouldn’t want someone interrupting me to say I was being too loud. In fact, that complaint makes me kind of proud. Instead I tried to come up with dynamic, dorm friendly solutions. Shutting my window and closing my vents (yes, the sound ninja’d its way through the vents) just wasn’t working well enough.

Headphones were tricky. If the music was too soft, the trumpeting of elephants in heat blasted through Jack Johnson’s soothing tunes. There’s no such thing as dream-trap so EDM was out. I even played around with Pink Floyd for a while but that gives you weird dreams (Sarah Palin vs. Hillary Clinton gladiator style, enough said). It took a while but I finally found music that both blocks out sex cacophony and puts you to sleep: heavy metal.

Yup that’s right. The kind of stuff your parents wouldn’t let you listen to because they thought you’d go to school in a black leather duster and axe murder the principle. I kid you not, it was the solution to my insomnia. I’m talking old stuff, not the new crap. Slayer, Black Sabbath, Dio, Danzig, Metallica, those kinds of bands. Sometimes even Rammstein’s Du Hast if the pounding was particularly aggressive. I could usually fall right asleep to Marilyn Manson’s “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” if the volume was just right.

It was nice to finally be able to sleep again. Every now and then, what sounds like a raccoon orgy will emanate from next door and wake me up, until No One Like You by the Scorpions puts me back to sleep. Oh also, if you’re ever at G-Spot, don’t open up grab n go pizza boxes UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. One night I had the munchies and found one near the sink. Turns out it was heavy because it was filled to the top with used condoms.

All’s well that ends well. Thanks to science I have been able to fall asleep and my neighbor has been able to pervade G-Spot, the best spot.