The monkey has a supercharged axe, Godzilla knows judo
Watch an axe wielding gorilla go toe to toe with the lizard apparently descended from Bruce Lee. Not interesting enough? They’re both the size of the Empire State Building. Photo from youtube.com.
Movies — an experience as diverse and distinct as can be. Tales of love, family, rivalries, tragedy, all of these and more can be found in the ever-expanding cinematic world. Some are fictitious or exaggerated accounts of epic deeds by larger than life figures that mere mortals can only aspire to emulate. Others feature flawed, relatable characters thrust into situations beyond their control.
And then, there are those movies that offer viewers the unique opportunity to watch a 330-foot tall monkey and a bipedal lizard the size of a skyscraper attempt to kick each other’s ass, while at the same time decimating any urban structure that dares to be as tall as them.
Yes, the time has come to discuss the most recent entry into the Monsterverse, “Godzilla vs. Kong.” For the sake of organization and my own sanity, I will be dividing this mostly spoiler-free review into three main categories: the good, the bad and the question as to why the hell the people behind these movies keep trying to make us care about humans in films where CGI monsters try to kill each other.
The good: despite my cynical and borderline pessimistic tone above, there’s a lot of good in this movie, as long as you are watching it for the right reason. If you want an in-depth plot, compelling characters and unforeseen twists and turns, I recommend “The Godfather” or “Breaking Bad.” That’s not why you’re here though; you are here to turn your brain on autopilot for two hours and watch mindless CGI action galore. This movie does that to perfection.
While it takes a bit to get going, once it does, it doesn’t really stop. You go from one action scene to the next. The titans go from trading blows on aircraft carriers to the center of the earth to the streets of Hong Kong. There’s (not much of) a surprise appearance by another “monster.” There’s actually a clear winner. King Kong gets an axe. I swear, no word of a lie, Godzilla judo flips Kong at one point late in the film. What more could you ask for?
The bad: is it too much to ask for consistency and common sense? I know, the latter of those is especially at odds with the premise of this film, but honestly. For one, the battleships and aircraft carriers from the first fight seem to alternate between being constructed from tinfoil if a title character so much as grazes them or titanium if they need a place to stand. It all seems to depend on what the director thought looked cooler (or if the humans we are supposed to care about are on that particular ship).
Also, for some inexplicable reason, there’s apparently a portal to the center of the Earth. The center of the Earth is also apparently hollow, not filled with magma, has breathable air and is filled with even more titans. Another issue is that, aside from Godzilla and Kong going from trying to tear each other’s head off to letting the other go so they can have “round two,” they also apparently have an “ancient rivalry.” Godzilla has now been said to have an ancient rivalry with every monster he’s fought in these movies and I am now convinced he’s the monster equivalent of the stereotypical tough guy who walks up to everyone he sees saying, “You wanna go?”
The humans. Sigh. Humans in a movie such as this should only have one purpose to serve: helping the audience navigate the movie from one CGI monster fight to the next. The monsters can’t talk and give information so the humans have to. They are not why we are watching this movie. Their struggles and backstories are largely irrelevant. That being said, if the director insists on giving them more screen time, at least try to make it palatable. Don’t have them make increasingly asinine decisions just to further this thing you call a plot and don’t expect people to care for characters just because we liked a particular actor or actress in another role (looking at you, Eleven from “Stranger Things”), and for the love of all that is good on this Earth, don’t have your climactic battle be won by an annoying teenager pouring a couple shots worth of whiskey onto a multibillion dollar computer and cause it to blow up. That last bit is still making me grind my teeth. Where was I? Oh, right! In sum, after being largely starved of new big-screen-worthy action since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, “Godzilla vs. Kong” is a welcome breath of fresh air. It is not perfect, far, far from it. But on its most basic promise, a CGI action and destruction by the two most well-known kaiju to ever grace the movies, it delivers.