Larus delawarensis – the ringed gull – is a medium-sized shorebird common in most parts of North America.
In modern times, ringed gulls are just as common in large parking lots as they are on the coast. This, however, was not always the case.
Most people in the lower 48 and the more temperate parts of Canada, the Caribbean and Mexico have encountered this bird several times in their lives, often resulting in a mild fascination and, ultimately, equally mild disdain.
Although these largely predatory omnivores were always thieves, their true calling was not realized until after the industrial revolution and a key culinary epiphany.
Before the invention of fat-fried potatoes, the ringed gulls lived a comfortable yet colorless life as an ecologically successful generalist with the ability to hold their own in a variety of different habitats and community structures. Thanks to the development of the notoriously refined American palate and the equally elegant combination of potatoes and hot oil, these birds were able to transcend above most beings.
Golden fried, piping hot, crispy, salted, sauced, tossed, fluffy, elegant, accessible, salty, savory and ubiquitous. The french fry offers a glimpse into the elegance of creation. Something so tasty and so simple – at its core it’s two ingredients and a heat source, yet the fry is so much more.
All gulls understand this. They crave culinary elegance. They crave fries. No. They crave your fries.
Although it remains to be seen if gulls would wholeheartedly partake in an economy if given the chance, the reality is that gulls have no way of making or paying for fries, forcing them to a life of crime. A life that evolution has granted them to thrive in. Such is the life of an opportunistic and capable parasite.
The gulls’ passion does not stop with crime; this clade is known to mate for life, making the phrase “thick as thieves” deeper in irony than I care to dissect any further.
You mustn’t freely provide these critters with nirvana. Do you want them to transcend past what nature has allowed for millions of years? Do you want fewer fries? I don’t. I love fries. Who doesn’t?
If you encounter a fry thief, here are some vital tips that I have laid out below:
If they screech, screech louder.
They fly faster than you run; stand your ground and take advantage of your strength.
Nonchalantly refer to your fries as “sticks” and they will lose interest.
Violence is not acceptable unless they start it and can’t end it.
Call them Seahawks; they hate that.
However beautiful and understandable the pursuit of euphoria may be, it is important not to excuse such blatantly destructive hedonism. For the record, they do not have to steal; they choose to. There is no moral argument to be made, and yet I still want to stress there are still honest gulls out there making a living, gracefully diving into the sunny shores of our world in the pursuit of fish. A more archaic yet respectable trade.
Protect what you love. You have earned and created a little life for yourself, and that is absolutely amazing. No matter where you are, there will always be forces trying to break this life. Taking shortcuts at the expense of the altruist. Many ecologists and philosophers alike have accepted this cycle as fact. Do not be complacent in what you hold dear. Do not feed the seagulls.
