I am an over thinker to the max and with every hospital stay comes an explanation as to why I was there. Do I tell them I had a stomach bug? A broken rib? Or tell the truth, that I had a manic episode? It is so easy to lie about your mental illness, because it’s something that others can not see. How I was taught to see mental illness is if you were in the hospital for a broken leg, you would not lie about it because you are getting help to get better. Mental illness is the same thing, you just can not see what’s been broken.
Hi, my name is Maggie, I am a senior at the University of Rhode Island double majoring in human development and elementary education and minoring in thanatology. I am bipolar with psychotic features, meaning I hallucinate, with PTSD and anxiety.
I always suffered with depression and anxiety but it was not until around my twenty-first birthday that things started to get really bad. I stopped going to classes, called out of work at least once a week and the only people I talked to were my therapist and my dog. Getting out of bed was not an option for me. I was either sleeping all day or not at all. I would get these random bursts of energy where I truly felt I could take over the world. I later learned those bursts were mania.
My therapist became very concerned and suggested I do the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) program at Butler Hospital. It was there that I learned that I was bipolar and was put on mood stabilizers. I also learned that I am not alone, as I was surrounded by others who were going through the same thing.
When I was discharged from Butler I went back to my primary psychiatrist who thought I was too young to be bipolar. She stopped treatment for it and put me back on antidepressants, telling me that if I were to be bipolar, this medicine would make me manic. Well, guess what, it did.
Less than a month later I ended up in Newport Hospital after my mother and brother found me trying to take my life. I had felt numb and alone for so long, I had had enough. After several therapists and several different prescriptions, it seemed like things would not ever get better. I felt like there was no hope for me. I was tired of feeling tired.
At Newport Hospital they began treating me for bipolar disorder again. It has been two months to this day since, and I can say that I am happy to be here. In the CBT programs I’ve learned plenty of skills to healthily address my mental illness that I have been practicing, such as participating in hobbies that I enjoy- aromatherapy, seeing a therapist weekly, giving up alcohol and drugs (as they are depressants), exercise, meditation and journaling.
I felt alone for so many years and it only made me feel worse about my mental illness. I did not think I had anyone to talk to, or that I could even talk about it. This kept me from getting help, I was ashamed. That is why I think we should end the stigma. Since my last episode, I have been very open about my mental illness, but I still struggle with opening up to certain people because I am scared of how they may react. No one should feel that way. We should be able to talk freely about our mental health without feeling ashamed. It’s okay not to be okay.