The next time you swipe right on Tinder, text someone you’ve been seeing or share a social media password with a steady partner, make sure you consider how technology has impacted the track of your relationship.
Tiffani Kisler and Hans Saint-Eloi Cadley, professors in the department of human development and family science at the University of Rhode Island, have both researched romantic relationships among adolescents. Recently, they have observed how media and technology influence adolescent relationship development and identity.
Cadley described adolescence as a time in which young people are still trying to determine who they are. He said that many use romantic relationships as a way of establishing identity, something he observed as a graduate student and research assistant at Auburn University on a project about healthy relationships. However, this can become an unhealthy codependency if their entire individuality is centered around the relationship, which is common during a time full of personal exploration.
“It’s not uncommon for adolescents to become involved in romantic relationships, but that in [and] of itself could be how they try to find themselves within that context, because people try to develop identity across different domains, whether it be in career domains or romantic domains,” Cadley said. “When you’re dating a romantic partner, you’re trying to see exactly ‘OK, well, does this person match my values so to speak? Do I feel comfortable with this person, does the person display the character that I’m looking for?’ But you’re still that adolescent trying to find yourself, what are your vibes, what are your beliefs? But of course, we’ll try to do so when you’re dating a partner.”
Yet external factors have an influence on how and why adolescents flock to romantic relationships for validation and identity.
“The media’s done a good job to portray some answers to some of these behaviors as love, when in reality of course, they can be warning signs,” Cadley said.
Cadley used the “Twilight” series as an example of media influencing what is seen as “romantic.” He described the vampire Edward watching the protagonist Bella sleep, and him stalking her and keeping tabs on who she interacts with and where she goes, violating her privacy and lacking proper boundaries.
This media romanticization combined with modern technology creates a potentially toxic situation. According to Kisler, the advent of technology has made people more possessive in their romantic relationships, often due to a need for control or jealousy. This is prevalent especially as some use phone tracking, social media monitoring, going through phone data and expecting immediate responses from partners. This possessiveness stems from a social need of being included, which is easier than ever with current technology. Kisler has used URI students in studies on this phenomenon.
“We noticed the role of technology on college students’ health, people fear of missing out, we call ‘FOMO,’” Kisler said. “Being constantly connected and wired and trying to see who’s posting what, where, and it kind of changes the dynamic not only of our interpersonal relationships in general, but specifically our romantic relationship.”
The COVID-19 pandemic has put a pause on Kisler’s studies, but this gave her more time to analyze the data she has collected so far. Kisler has begun analyzing digital relationship aggression’s impact on real-life relationship behaviors. Kisler also studied motivations for cyber digital relationship aggression in a 2019 study, and found common motivations included jealousy, frustration with a partner or suffering from alcohol or drug abuse.
Cadley said one of the biggest mistakes adolescents and young adults make in relationships is interpreting relationship aggression as love. Cadley advised those interested in romantic relationships to consider their own values and see if they align with those of potential partners before committing. Kisler agreed, and also emphasized the importance of education regarding healthy relationships and technology.
“So, I think just the most important thing to consider is raising awareness that it’s important to recognize [digital relationship aggression] is also abusive behavior,” Kisler said. “We need interventions around and retraining around it, to help our younger kids because I think we know a lot about that but we’re talking about leaving you to respond every second, and following you and posting things that are very intimate use of technology.”