As long as I’ve been old enough to date, I can remember my mom telling me, “Don’t give it up too easily” and advising me to “leave them wanting more” when it comes to guys.
A younger version of myself thought she was old-fashioned for saying these things to me.
I sit here at 21 years old, hearing her in the back of my mind every time I even consider going on a date.
A 2011 article published in “Cosmopolitan” titled “Top 50 Relationship Rules” lists not having sex on the first date as their number one rule.
Their reasoning? You will not be taken seriously and risk being reduced to a one-time fling. Doesn’t matter if the date goes well, if the two of you have a real connection or if all the stars in the sky align; you are now reduced to a joke.
There are insults for women who have sex and insults for women who don’t. I see discourse online calling college-age virgins “prudes”. On the other hand, I can’t even count how many times I’ve seen sexually active women talked about as if they were morally reprehensible.
It’s a lose-lose situation. What are we supposed to do?
Here’s the vulnerable part: Have I given it up on the first date? Yes.
Do I regret my decision to do so? The answer to that is not as simple.
My most recent boyfriend treated me the best I had ever been treated by a partner. He listened to my concerns and respected my boundaries; he took me seriously. And yet we “did it” on the first date. Before that, I waited through numerous dates and for the official title of “girlfriend” before we had sex. All that waiting didn’t protect me from the fact that he ended up being a jackass who looked down on me.
No crystal ball tells you when sex on the first date is a good idea. No equation can predict whether or not you will regret your decision later on.
Even the Cosmo article acknowledges that there are many cases where sex on the first date leads to a successful relationship. Love and sex are controlled by human nature and emotions, two things that rarely follow the rules of “dating for dummies” articles. What would humans be without their emotions?
Even after putting all of my thoughts into writing, my mom’s words still ring loudly in my head. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with a giant scarlet “A” taped to my back.
The off-putting truth? I don’t think that I will ever truly be able to shake the feeling that sex on the first date is the wrong thing to do. However, there is not a single instance where I would judge another person for doing it.
Maybe it’s not a question of what’s right or what’s wrong. Maybe it’s just a question of making decisions for me and not those around me.
Sorry, Mom.
