Branta canadensis–Canada goose–is the largest species of goose and is a ubiquitous migratory species in North America.
These herbivorous, freshwater-preferring waterfowl have done quite well in the modern age, conservatively numbering 5 million strong.
While the picture above is a goose, some people long ago decided to refer to a grouping of these critters as “geese.” Now, normally, I would be fine with this little lingual quirk, but I can’t get past the inexcusable hypocrisy. If goose is geese, moose should be meese; end of story.
Because of their anthropogenic success, many consider geese pests. From their croaking “honk,” their copious amounts of waste and their surprisingly aggressive nature, they are a force to be reckoned with.
They are certainly larger than they seem. Many goose haters will point to a glaring weakness in their long necks–folklore that I think may be a little overblown by the more repressed selection of your typical middle school hooligans.
These critters seem not to have a care in the world, proudly, shamelessly fumbling around, bellowing that iconic yet clown-adjacent roar. Thus, “silly goose” was coined. A term of both endearment and scorn, beautifully plastic in its application.
This species is known for its iconic migration, wintering in the warm southern United States. However, with a shifting environment, permanent populations have been noted as far south as the Chesapeake. The dynamics of this population are changing, especially in the Mid-Atlantic.
They all float. Energy efficient, calm, a calling card of waterfowl. They rest for some time. You can see them in grass fields in a flock with their neck tucked in. At the same time, they fly great distances in that classic aerodynamic “V.”
Funnily enough, you don’t have to try to talk to geese. They often strike up an aggressive conversation with you of their own volition.
If they do speak to you, I do have a few tips to de-escalate and improve your experience:
Speak in an exaggerated Northeast major-city accent (New York City, Boston, Baltimore, Philly, etc.). This will show you “mean business.”
Do not bring up interim party leader Don Davies of Canada’s New Democratic Party. They expect nuisance on this matter; if you read this column, you do not possess it.
Yes, they have been to Niagara Falls. Don’t ask them, just to spite you, they’ll say they prefer the American side. They are wrong, it’s okay.
Do listen to music during the encounter, it calms the mind from the honks.
If you are proficient in a brass instrument, I’d give it a go for the geese; you might make a couple of friends.
With these pivotal tips in mind, next time you see a goose on campus–or inevitably later on anywhere else–remember your training and expect that sometimes, being goofy and proud can be a good thing.
