DISCLAIMER: Besides the existence of the referenced 2003 article, this story is complete bologna.
On April 1, 2003, The Good Five Cent Cigar reported that University of Rhode Island mascot Rhody the Ram checked himself into a rehabilitation program for addiction to drugs, alcohol and sex.
Rhody fell off the straight and narrow path while struggling to cope with the downfall of URI’s men’s basketball program, according to 2003 staff reporter Albert Koholek. Rhody’s problems first started in 1999 when URI head coach Jim Herrick left to coach at the University of Georgia.
“I remember when we were winning and people genuinely enjoying me,” Rhody said in an interview at the time. “Now adults curse at me and little kids just want to kick me in the ass.”
Rhody developed a reputation as a garden-variety hedonist. He cites the men’s soccer team taking him under their wing as the beginning of his marjuana addiction.
“I was smoking enough pot to make Snoop Dogg jealous,” Rhody said.
23 years later, as he grapples with the recent loss of URI women’s basketball coach Tammi Reiss, Rhody looks back on his past self with compassion. He assures the Cigar that with over two decades of working the 12 steps under his belt, he’s stronger than ever.
“Back in the day I woulda gone off the rails like you wouldn’t believe,” Rhody said. “But I’m a different Ram now.”
To this day, the hardest thing for Rhody to resist is a good pong table. After a brief backslide at a Frat Circle tournament in 2017, Rhody has learned the hard way to keep his distance.
“Not gonna lie, I’d still mog those kids, but they keep calling the cops down there and I still got a warrant out so bullet dodged,” Rhody said.
Instead of boozing and hook-up cruising, Rhody has new habits, like gluten-free baking and a particularly passionate love affair with ultimate frisbee. Staying active has helped him focus on health and wellness.
“I’m pretty nasty in the backfield these days,” Rhody said, tossing his custom Rams frisbee in the air. “I’ve been trying to get an intramural team going, but the student senate keeps calling me a chud every time I apply for recognition.”
Through the epic highs and lows of college sports, with a higher power on his side, Rhody knows one thing for sure: those Keaney Blue hues don’t run.
