Leuconotopicus vilosus – the hairy woodpecker – is a common woodpecker species that can be found in most of North America.
Although omnivorous, these birds are specially designed for insect foraging, uncovering grubs that foolishly believe bark to be an infallible sanctuary.
Sometimes evolution gives simple answers to complex questions. How do you find and eat bugs that hide under tough bark? You headbutt into the bark itself. You want to make a loud noise to communicate to your fellow peckers; you headbutt into bark. You want to finally understand what it means to be truly vulnerable to someone, to give up your own insecurities in the pursuit of something greater, to build a connection, nay, a relationship to the highest, most wondrous degree. You attract your lover by headbutting into a tree. We could all benefit from the woodpecker’s philosophy. When I am inevitably thrown into the incomprehensible yet again, I could stand to benefit from using my noggin.
All woodpeckers think they are better drummers than they actually are. Don’t get me wrong, they can lay down a beat, but it just has no feel to it. It’s too foreign, robotic even, not that I have any intention of fanning the flames of the ridiculous theory that all birds on campus are robots. That’s okay, though; not everyone has to be Phil Collins. That ingenious freak can rest assured that a woodpecker won’t take his job.
With their iconic pattern of black and white with red all over the crest, woodpeckers stand out in their environment. They want to be seen and shown off. Every time they eat, the whole block knows. They want to brag that they can hit their head over and over and over again without repercussions. Doesn’t that make you feel less than?
Aren’t you wondering how these critters can fly with the constant punishment they subject their heads to? I certainly am. Upon further inquiry, as with everything in life, the answer lies within their extraordinary, odd tongues. Woodpeckers wrap their tongue around their skull to cushion the concussive force of pecking. They are fully optimized to peck away! In my eyes, they have perfected the “hyperobject” of “bird.”
Speaking of evolution and of a speculative future, I predict that by 3025, professional football players will have evolved to have their tongues wrapped around their skulls to lessen the attrition the game requires. I hope for their sake that they don’t take up the insectivore diet. Insects may fuel flight, but I don’t think they could fuel a defensive tackle.
Next time you hear the iconic pitter-patter of a woodpecker on campus, I encourage you to marvel at its adaptations and dedication to the pursuit of bugs. Inspire yourself with the possibilities that you can unlock for yourself. Have a great break and hakuna matata.
